nausea

• 01:18 @OGOchoCinco favrefavrefavrefavrefavrefavrefavre. #

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i think i might be depressed.

i was cool until about a week and a half ago when i ventured into a walmart for the first time in many years. i'm not a huge walmart fan for two reasons, one being me trying to occasionally giving a shit who i give my money to, with the larger reason being it's probably the easiest place i know of to give myself an anxiety attack.

so a few days back i venture into the walmart to try to find mason jars, and end up wasting about 15 minutes behind four separate asshats in the four self checkout lanes. i find that standing in any sort of line usually makes me freak the fuck out, but nothing could compare to the anxiety, rage, and contempt i felt that day in the walmart.

i've been extraordinarily moody since then.

then today the ups guy stops by work. we're relatively friendly with the ups guys. he delivers a lot of shit to us, so we'll occasionally chat now and then. he's a strange dude. he carves pens out of deer antlers and sells them on ebay or something in his spare time. well he comes in today ready to bro down and says to me, "Brother, let me ask you a question. Is it wrong to want to bone the new VP? AMIRIGHT!?!?!" or something to that effect. at this point i figure we're all fucking doomed anyway.

somehow my aim buddy list disappeared. if we talk on aim, like ever, feel free to comment with your name or just message me @ shoothypotenuse. i managed to remember like 6 peoples screen names, so assume i'm a jackass and forgot yours.

so i cleaned out two old boxes of stuff i've had at work for a while. in the course of doing this, i found a few odd things. i should probably take pics of all this, maybe i'll do that later. he's my bounty.

1x car stereo head unit
12x dvds
19x cds
1x osama bin laden wanted dead or alive shirt (which i've never owned nor seen, odd)
1x hawaiian "vendor gear" shirt from work
5x hats
6ishx old half smoked packs of cigarttes
1x 1.75L bottle of captain morgans
1x burt's bees almost milk hand creme
1x box of sea monkeys. seriously. sea monkeys.
1x lego astronaut
1x bag of cat food
1x dog leash
2x old cell phones
7x old cell phone chargers
1x ear muffs (sound protection, not weather)
9x random keys

weird shit.

so where to start...

i've been staring at this screen for half an hour and this is all i've been able to come up with. writing about not writing.

i don't even want to write, i just feel like i need to. like i need to document something. like putting it out there where i can see it and read it myself will help me to accept or understand it.

i feel like i haven't slept in days. i have, just not much. part of it's work. my on call has been rather hellish. part of it is me feeling like i'm cracking. i'm a rather guarded person in certain regards. to a fault. a huge fault. i've become incrredibly devoid of emotion. for a few years now i've just become less and less susceptible to feeling at all. i spend most of my time just being indifferent. it's not necessarily a bad thing. while sure, i miss out on certain highs, i also miss out on all of the lows, which i rather enjoy. i'm severely lacking a passion for anything. what really concerns me is this. i don't feel anything for people. no sense of attachment. no sense of need, or really even wanting. over the past few years i've just had a few fleeting feelings of whatever, but nothing really worthwhile. nothing memorable. but lately there's been this thing. randomly, out of nowhere, i get filled with this huge sense of dread. like i can feel this massive amount of misery boiling up inside of myself. i get to what i feel is like inches within of something like being depressed, then it subsides. it never gets worse or better, just seems to be happening with greater frequency. as of late there's just so much confusion. a strange brew of love, hate, and discontent all bottled up into one. maybe i'm not as indestructible as i think. maybe i've wrapped myself in some sort of self created lie that's slowly starting to unravel. mostly i'm just afraid that the latter is true. i'm scared to death of feeling.

i kinda felt like posting something, just have nothing worth posting about. blah.

fuck it.

today has been the saddest day of my life. before i get to the heart of the matter, allow me give you a little backstory. recently i purchased the directv HDTV receiver with tivo for a whopping $700. i'll admit, it was worth any price. the receiver itself is pretty bad ass, and the picture quality of directv just blows cable away. at first, i had no complaints with my tivo, as it was a big step up over my previous tivo, which didn't receive HDTV signal. you see, my last tivo had this strange habit of recording HBO Latino, telemundo, univision, basically anything in spanish. i found it odd, as i didn't have any spanish broadcasts set up in my season passes, nor did i really watch much of anything with a latino flair outside of CSI Miami, and horatio cane is about as mexican as taco bell. i tried to fight it. any time i noticed a spanish broadcast i'd give it 3 thumbs down. it still wouldn't stop. so i wind up purchasing this new receiver i had been lusting over. the price dropped from 1000 to 700 and i had to get it immediately. i set up most of the same season passes as i had before. luckily, this one didn't seem to have any latin love. no hbo latino. no soccer games. in fact nothing but english broadcasts. then, a new nightmare slowly began. randomly my tivo would start recording various shows on it's own, most of which were in line with the type of stuff i usually watch. sports. history and crime shit. lots of mechanical and engineering shows. pretty manly shit, right? so bit by bit the tivo starts recording surprise by design. trading places. random shit on hgtv. i'm a little puzzled. this continues, week by week my tivo is gaining more audacity, as it starts recording these things in mass quantities. today, i come home from work, sit down on the couch, and turn on my tv so that i can watch around the horn and pardon the interruption (sports related shows on espn) as i wind down from work, and then i see it. my tivo has come out of the closet. it recorded the vagina monologues. i guess i should have seen the signs. this shouldn't come to me as such a shock. my tivo is en fuego. i mean liberace gay. and now that i compare these happenings with my last tivo, i've discovered that tivo's have their own personalities. it's AI gone insane. i guess i really don't have a choice buy to accept my tivo's faggotry. i'm debating trying to find my local chapter of pflag so i don't have to feel so alone. i want my tivo to know i still love it, even if it's queer. any comments would be a great help.

In a lifetime
Made of memories
I believe
In destiny

Every moment returns again in time
When I’ve got the future on my mind
Know that you’ll be the only one

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
To only you and i

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life.

In a lifetime
There is only love
Reaching for the lonely one

We are stronger when we are given love
When we put emotions on the line
Know that we are the timeless ones

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
To only you and i

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life.



Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Out where the world belongs
To only you and i

Meet me halfway
Across the sky
Make this a new beginning of another life.

okay the christians have gone too far this time.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=2071410

god i miss hockey. i really hope they get their shit together for next season.

i really need to stick to my personal rule of despising mother fuckers.

I'm a Tech Hillbilly!
What kind of Backwoods Hillbilly are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through</a>

wecouldwsteitall: do you like brand new/
shoothypotenuse: no.
shoothypotenuse: i don't listen to any nuemo
shoothypotenuse: mostly listen to hip hop, metal, and alt.country
wecouldwsteitall: nuemo hahaa
shoothypotenuse: yup.
shoothypotenuse: do they bring the rock?
wecouldwsteitall: i like them
wecouldwsteitall: a lot
shoothypotenuse: are they the ones with flava flav in their video?
shoothypotenuse: if so they suck ass.
shoothypotenuse: oh wait wait wait
shoothypotenuse: are they the band with the singer who REALLY wants to be morrissey?
wecouldwsteitall: hahha
shoothypotenuse: is that a yes?
wecouldwsteitall: yes
shoothypotenuse: they're not horrid
shoothypotenuse: not really my style
shoothypotenuse: i mean i liked emo in the mid 90s.
shoothypotenuse: but it is not so much my thing nowadays.
shoothypotenuse: i'm out of touch.
wecouldwsteitall: im a sucker for them
wecouldwsteitall: ive listened to this cd 4 times in a row today.
wecouldwsteitall: haha
shoothypotenuse: as a nearly 28 year old man it is hard to relate to high school emotion.
shoothypotenuse: i want whiney songs about how my 401k isn't gaining as much growth as it should be
shoothypotenuse: an ode to the roth ira
wecouldwsteitall: hahahah oh fuck that made me laugh
shoothypotenuse: these are the songs that are the fabric of my being.
shoothypotenuse: i want to make anal cunt esque songs like I Have More Seniority with the Company Than You New Jack, So The Corner Desk Is Mine
shoothypotenuse: jud jud jud jud
shoothypotenuse: GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THE PETTY CASH
shoothypotenuse: YOUR CORPORATE CARD HAS A $2,000 LIMIT, YOU'RE GAY
shoothypotenuse: and everybody's favorite
wecouldwsteitall: hahhahaha
shoothypotenuse: WHEN YOUR JOB GETS DOWNSIZED IT'S FUNNIER THAN COLON CANCER
shoothypotenuse: i'm getting the band back together
shoothypotenuse: we will change our name from xDRIVEBYx to xDRIVEBYx, LLC
wecouldwsteitall: hahahaha
shoothypotenuse: our first cd will be entitled xINITIAL PUBLIC OFFERINGx
wecouldwsteitall: youre killing me here.
shoothypotenuse: our most valued vinyl will be the stock split EP with capitalist casualties
shoothypotenuse: you cannot wait to hear me shrieking COOOOOOOOORPORATEEEEEEEE GAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! over a blast beat
shoothypotenuse: we're going to be the anti-groundwork
shoothypotenuse: i also feel it's appropriate that we wear business casual attire for shows.
shoothypotenuse: khakis
shoothypotenuse: polos
shoothypotenuse: preferably dockers and izods.
wecouldwsteitall: bhahahah
wecouldwsteitall: fuck
wecouldwsteitall: i love you
shoothypotenuse: maybe some deck shoes.
shoothypotenuse: we're all about comfort.
wecouldwsteitall: hahha
wecouldwsteitall: with gel inserts
shoothypotenuse: we'll do acoustic sets as we sit in ergonomic roly chairs
shoothypotenuse: i have a feeling my acoustic songs will all be about how much i love fiber optics, and how they have made my job wonderful.
shoothypotenuse: if you were smart you'd scoop me up while you can
wecouldwsteitall: sometimes i forget how witty you are.

people should really ease up with their assumptions.

i need a change. probably more like a few changes in my life. lately i seem to be stuck in this awkward place where i just cannot seem to relate to anyone. maybe it's my age. maybe it's just where i'm at in the progression of life. honestly, i'm not sure, but something needs to be different. i'm completely out of touch with my friends. if you know me at all, you know i'm not a big fan of people in general, so over the years i've managed to align myself with a small group of friends that i stayed very close to. for the past i dunno, months, years, whatever, i've noticed that we've all drifted apart. maybe it's them. maybe it's me. it's like we really don't have that much in common anymore. we don't like to do the same things. i don't know what to say to people younger than me. i find the gap is the biggest in that scenario. mostly it's just a bunch of trivial shit that i couldn't care about less. then you take people my own age. at nearly 28, i guess you're supposed to have some huge feeling of wanting to nest. wanting to get married. buy a house. start spreading your seed. it's not the settling down that bothers me. i enjoy being settled. i find myself to be happiest in that situation, actually. on the other hand, i hate children. i mean absolutely abhor them. i've never cared much for the thought of marriage, either. typically, there's just a big love/hate thing i have towards females. i more or less know why, but i'm not going to sit here and start analyzing myself in any sort of in depth fashion. in the recent past i've been wasting too much time sitting here holding on to hope for someone i can't have anyway. i need to work on getting over that. i need to find something other than unhealthy relationships. i need friends who have similar interests, and like to do the same sort of things i do. i guess what i'm realizing is maybe i can't find that here. i spent about 2 years living in hampton roads, which is a god awful place. when i finally got the chance to move back to richmond, a city that i love, i was so excited. i thought it'd be great to be just a few blocks from most of the people i know. i thought things would end up working out differently. the only really good part of the past 9 months or so is that i've gotten much closer to my family. sure, we're still not as close as most families are, but there have been some huge strides in that area. so now my deal is this. i can't transfer jobs in my company until june at the earliest. i figure come june i'll start keeping an eye out for similar jobs with my company in a handful of cities i think i might like. the advantage to being a cingular employee now is that i could really go most anywhere in the US and do what i do now, or something in the same field. my short list of cities is looking like seattle, portland, chicago, pittsburgh, raleigh, nashville, knoxville, and baltimore. that's more or less in descending order of preference. the shitty part... i don't know anybody who lives in any of those really. well, aside from seattle, but that doesn't really count. i've spent a good deal of time in chicago, pittsburgh, raleigh, and baltimore, so at least i'd know my way around them. i've been to nashville and knoxville, and really like them both, but all of my time in both would add up to a week or less combined. i've never been to seattle or portland, but i'd love the weather. i also have the remote options of moving to england or ireland. i know one person in ireland, and i have family in england. i'd have to go through the whole getting a work visa thing, which would suck. at least being a wireless nerd would help me land a job pretty easily. europe is all gsm based, and i'm a wiz with that shit. i hear ericsson is pretty big over there. ericsson is my strongsuit. anywho. if you happen to live in one of the mentioned cities and want to give me a tour, let me know.

aside from my state being stupid, and halfway to banning any sort of lowrise/baggy pants,
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/02/09/low.pants.ap/index.html
they did get at least one thing right.
http://www.timesdispatch.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=RTD/MGArticle/RTD_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1031780717594

interesting shit i noticed today...


in about schmidt, the movie playing at the pioneer theater is sideways. cute.

on lost, a reference was made to a guy buying a paper company in slough. i'm guessing that's a reference to the office. fantastic.

speaking of, just watched the american version of the office online. almost a carbon copy of the original, but completely unfunny.

corey feldman is dissing MJ on 20/20 friday night. i so cannot wait.

i'm sure whatever scene fags i'm friends with are already aware of this, but just in case...

www.dropkickthefaint.com

this is the best shit i've seen on the internet in a long time.